I would have been unhappy if my mother had done this to me

I had to call in sick to work today. I’ve got some sort of icky stomach bug. I’m really not that cool with having to use the public restrooms at work on a good day, much less one where the intestinal workings are in an uproar. I had some chicken soup for lunch and so far, I’m feeling fine. I’m now eyeballing a Mississippi Mud Pie Ice Cream Sandwich that’s in the freezer but I’m pretty sure that’s a bad idea. Trying to resist that particular call.

By the way-If something ever, ever, EVER posesses you to eat some cool ranch doritos, followed by a twinkie and then a big glasss of orange juice? Trust me when I tell you that it’s a very bad idea. I did that a few weeks ago and I swear, I was the sickest I have ever been. All my morning sickness has been gone and that was like a dive back into some seriously unfriendly territory. Doritos do not feel good coming back up.

 We’re 20 weeks and 5 days today. I felt the baby move a week ago, Sunday. It’s been weirdest thing so far. It’s awesome and breathtaking on one hand and then just freaky on the other. On the awesome and breathtaking side, I am feeling my baby move. On the freaky side, it feels like I have a goldfish in my gut. I missed the fluttery, butterfly wing stage and went right to floppy and kicky. It’s definitely comforting to be able to feel something happening every single day, though. Nothing is strong enough for Arnie to feel yet, that is killing him. He’s very impatient and Goldie here seems to take after his daddy on the stubborn front. Anytime Arnie even looks at my stomach, the baby completely stops. It’s like he’s all squished in there, holding his breath and trying not to move. Then his Daddy gives up and he breaks into giggles and I feel him all over the place.

In other news, we’ve had some exciting developments with the pregnancy. Remember that whole, “We’re a boy and we’re so excited!” post? We’re still excited, we’re just not so sure it’s a boy.

We’ve had two ultrasounds say boy and the latest one said girl but all three have been done by different people. Got some time? Let me explain.

Ultrasound was done at 15 weeks, 5 days. This is where my regular ob was a little concerned that I might have a fun case of Placenta Previa. He sent me to radiologist clinic, where they have better equipment, to confirm. Also tells us that it looks like we’re having a little boy. To my untrained eye, it looks like a boy. Sideways view, not between legs.

Ultrasound #2 was done at 16 weeks, everything looks good. The placenta is a little low but don’t really think it’s anything to worry about for now. Will re-evaluate at later date. Technician also thinks it’s a boy. But she’s doesn’t really spend much time looking. Another sideways view. Spend afternoon at local mall, buying darling blue clothes with very excited mother-in-law.

Lead up to ultrasound #3. Call from Doctor B at 16 weeks, 6 days. Radiologist has gone over films and thinks there may be cysts on the baby’s brain and fluid on the kidneys. Very low chance but wants to send me to specialist to alleviate worries.

Ultrasound #3 at 17 weeks. Nothing to worry about. Brain and kidneys look great. Baby receives “A+” as far as he’s concerned. Oh, and he thinks it’s a girl. FINALLY get a picture. This time, it’s a between the legs shot.

I, myself? I cannot tell. I can’t tell shit from satin in ultrasound pictures. Either way: Baby, I am sorry for showing your business on the internet. It looks like it could possibly be the vulva? But it’s an underneath view, so it could also be testicles and the actual penis is pointing away. What do you think?

what? a month you say?

Okay, how on earth has it been a month since I posted last? It certainly doesn’t seem like time has been going by that fast. Honestly, I’m not nearly as good at this blogging thing as I thought I would be. I kind of suck. : )

We found out some exciting news on Monday. We’re having a boy! It’s funny because almost everyone that’s taken a guess has said they think we’re having a girl. But two ultrasounds this week-done by different people, both said it was a boy. Before Doctor B even asked if we wanted to know, I could already see. It was plainly obvious. Arnie is so proud, lol. I’m so content and so happy and so giddy right now.

I still haven’t gained any weight yet but the baby appears to be growing just fine. When you’ve had something like a gastric bypass and you’re not gaining weight, it’s kind of scary. Even though I know I eat enough..more than enough, really-I was still worried out of my mind. But Doctor B says that as long as I’m not losing weight drastically and the baby is still growing, then he’s not worried.

We did get a bit of a scare on Monday, though. The doctor thought the placenta was lying really low and was worried about that not clearing up before delivery. He sent us in for another scan at a clinic with better equipment and the tech/radiologist that did that one said that they didn’t see it being a problem. That technically they wouldn’t have even qualified it as “low”. I’m reassured and feeling much better about it. But that first time that you go home and Dr. Google tells you all about Placenta Previa, it scares the shit out of you. I’m still taking it easy when I can, not lifting anything heavy, etc, etc. We’ll have a follow-up ultrasound later just to confirm. I’m all about taking a peek at this baby whenever I can.

I cannot believe that we’re going to have a little boy. It still completely floors me that I am pregnant. That I’m a little over 16 weeks. That this baby is growing inside of me. That it’s half me and half Arnie and I just can’t believe how lucky I am. I’ve never been so thankful of anything in my entire life and I just wish I had the words and ability to express this.

I’m sorry. I giggle

When that first swishswishswish was heard, Arnie started laughing. He tends to do that when he’s nervous or excited.

He looked at the doctor, as serious as could be and said “I’m sorry. I giggle.”

He’s going to be the best daddy in the entire fucking world and I cannot wait to see that.

manic panic monday

Doctor’s appointment on Monday. We should be 12w4d then. I’m ready, ready, ready. Nervous as hell, though. I’ve been pretty positive lately but every once in awhile, I have this thought that Monday may be the last day that I think I’m pregnant. I’m working real hard to not think that way, though. Easier said than done, obviously.

I’ve actually bought a few things for the baby. I’m a big reader and I want to encourage that in any child that I have, so I’ve already started on my collection for that. So far we have Puff the Magic Dragon, Favorite Storybook Ever by Richard Scarry, The Dangerous Book for Boys, The Velveteen Rabbit, 1001 Pirate Things to Spot and The Giving Tree. The Velveteen Rabbit was always a favorite of mine and Richard Scarry was a childhood favorite, too. But The Giving Tree..that book holds a special place in my heart. My sisters and I would sit with my grandmother to read that and each picture is so familar and so comforting. I cannot wait to share that memory with my baby.

I also let my mother-in-law buy a package of onesies. She’s been so great, respecting my wishes about not getting too excited too early. I finally had to cave and let her buy something. I know it’s our baby first but this is her first grandchild and I’m not going to rob her of her Grandma experience. We kind of went and looked at cribs, too. Not to buy, I promise! Just to look. I saw one at an unpainted furniture store that I just fell in love with. Head over heels, will pawn everything I have to own this crib in love. Love, love, love. The only problem with it is that it’s quite a bit more than I was wanting to pay but you’d understand if you saw this crib. I bought a new camera, so whenever I’m in that part of town again, I’ll try to take a picture when the sales lady isn’t looking.

Speaking of new cameras, I love mine. The digital camera I had before was shite. This records video and has much better quality. I also bought a 4 gig flash card for it, so I should be able to take more pictures than my old camera could. It held a whopping 35 pictures at a time. Hopefully I’ll be able to record part of the doctor’s, so I’ll have a permanent record of the heartbeat. Is it Monday yet?

Seriously. How about now?

 I’m going to go watch some recorded America’s Next Top Model. I know who wins but I haven’t seen this season yet and I looove me some Tyra.

keepin’ it on the DL, yo.

I’ve got a cold and it sucks. I’m snotty and sneezy and Tylenol isn’t really doing jack shit. But it’s better than nothing, I guess.

I know I’ve been complete shit at writing lately and I’m going to regret it one of these days. When I try to look back and remember how the first trimester went, I’m going to be like, “What the hell happened to me for two weeks?” I’ve actually got a pretty good explanation. I’m scared as hell. I’m a little superstitious, too. I think I’m afraid that if I write down what’s happening, it’s like I’m pushing my luck. Like I’m just sneaking under the radar right now but if I say too much about the baby, it’s like God’s going to say..”Oh, yeah! She was supposed to miscarry! Almost forgot to do that one, whoops!” I’m not even religious, so I don’t know where this is coming from.

Next doctor’s appointment is July 9th. We’re supposed to just listen for the heartbeat but I’m really hoping that Doctor B will let us slip in an ultrasound. Arnie wasn’t able to make the last appointment and I really want him to see more than just a picture. And I might want to take a peek myself, possibly.

I think he looks like me

words can’t describe

We have a heartbeat! Baby measuring 8weeks4days. I have never felt so good in my entire life. I will scan the photo later. Holy shit, I was scared this morning but I feel incredible now.

7w3d

Ultrasound is Monday, 9:15 am. I’m sorry I’ve been shit at writing and updating lately. I’ve been busy at work and honestly, I’ve been just been trying to not think about anything. It’s worked and I only have today and Sunday to make it through.

I’m still getting sick in the afternoons and evenings. And I’m developing a stomach. Not that I was ever flat before but I could always stand up straight and suck it in. Now that trick doesn’t really work so well. I definitely think it’s because I’m having to eat constantly to keep from being ill during the day. I try to stick to fruits, vegetables, etc..but sometimes I run out of snacks and I’m forced to raid the vending machines at work. I’ve been off of sweets lately, which is shocking. I usually have a such a sweet tooth and none of that stuff even sounds remotely appealing. The sweetest thing I can handle are granola bars. Even those I have to force down..but they keep the nausea away better than anything for some reason. I came dangerously close to throwing up in public the other day. I was at wal-mart after work and I walked through the door and caught a whiff of some horrible, horrible smell. Bad enough that it started my stomach churning and I started to get that build up of spit in the mouth. When I get that, it’s usually just a given that I’m going to throw up, there’s nothing I can do. I started trying to calculate the distance to the bathrooms, looking for a trashcan, anything. My only options were to vomit in my purse (yeah, not happening) or to head for the cardboard recycle box, where you can put your empty plastic sacks. Luckily, I escaped the smell and managed to close my eyes and envision unicorns and tulips and shimmering trails of stardust and the urge to puke went away. That would have been embarassing but I was not going to toss my cookies into my own purse, I just changed to a new one a few days ago.

So, two more days and I’ll hopefully have some good news.

you take the good, you take the bad, you take ‘em both and there you have…

I’m terribly sorry. I’ve been hiding under a rock lately. But it’s cool and it’s shady and no one really talks to me, they just sneak chocolate creme oreos to me. You do realize there’s no calories in food if someone else sneaks it to you, right?

I had a minor incident of spotting on Wednesday morning and then again Thursday night. And when I say minor..I mean VERY minor. It was definitely just a tinged discharge more than anything. And only about a spot about as big as my thumbnail and just the one time each.

But it was enough to freak me out. I tend to panic and dive headfirst into doom and gloom in times of trouble. That way I’m prepared if it’s bad news and pleasantly surprised when things turn out well. I went to the doctor, he’s examined me and said everything looks fine. We got my ultrasound date moved up to the 11th, so that’s coming soon. Please let everything be alright.

I had a bad day yesterday. I had convinced myself that everything was over, the end of the pregnancy..then I got slammed with very intense morning sickness at bedtime last night, so I feel a little better today. I feel well enough that I’m actually considering eating something nutritious today and I’m no longer eyeing the leftover vodka in the freezer.

back to the grindstone

Not much time to update, I’m on a quick lunch break at home. My morning sickness still makes me feel like I’m trying to read in a car-

If said car was careening down a mountain side with no one driving it. It’s actually not bad in the morning at all. It kicks in around lunch time and lingers all day. Then it goes away for a bit but comes right back around bedtime. Very strong at bedtime. I’m laying there trying to sleep and if Arnie even moves the tiniest bit, I’m very queasy. I haven’t thrown up yet, though. No dry-heaving either, unless I brush too far back on my tongue.

I couldn’t be happier though. I know that having morning sickness doesn’t guarantee that everything will be perfect but since I didn’t have any last time….In my mind, this logically means that something different is happening inside. Gotta run, I’m already late!

Going back after a three-day weekend SUCKS, by the way.

maybe it’s just work sickness

: )

I’m actually feeling quite ill this afternoon. It’s either morning sickness or the cream of chicken soup and banana that I had for lunch. It’s still nothing bad. I guess I was expecting morning sickness with massive amounts of projectile vomit.

Instead, I just feel like I do when I try to read in the car.

4w6d

I had a lovely post written yesterday but my computer decided to download an update and restart itself without giving me an option to save what I was working on. Drat. I guess that’s what I get for trying to do that while I was at work. I’m just hanging out here, just trying to kill time until June 19th. Still low on the symptom front, which is freaking me the fuck out. I know it’s normal, I know, I know, I know. Knowing that doesn’t necessarily make me feel any better.

-Boobs are still tender. Nothing major, still just feels like before a period. Sometimes one of the cats will jump on my chest when I’m lying down and it’s like “yow!” if they hit just the right spot.

-Still no morning/evening/anytime sickness. Sometimes I think I might be getting queasy and I stop to think about it but before I can decide, it’s gone.

-Want to eat everything. I’m trying to keep this one in check but I’m definitely hungry a lot. Tomatoes. I want tomatoes. Fresh, ripe tomatoes.

-I’m pretty tired alot. I took three naps on Sunday. Everytime I sat down for something, I was out.

-Inability to resist watching The Terminator, The Terminator II or the Terminator III if it comes on the movie channel. I don’t care how many times I’ve seen it that day. If it’s on, I’m watching it. Or sleeping through it, to be honest..but it’s on. Anyone else have this symptom? No? Just me? Gotcha.

-Mild cramps, low in my belly. Sometimes it’s a grinding kind of cramp, other times it’s like a real quick zolt of electricity feeling that just lasts for a second. Nothing bad at all and definitely not painful. Just there.

And that’s about it, I think. It’s time for me to get ready for work and I really need a shower.

forever and a day

I am not doing so well with the waiting. I think about this maybe pregnancy and whether it’s actually progressing, almost every single second of the day. I am trying to be positive. I tell myself that there’s no reason for me to think that I’m going to miscarry this time. I imagine little cells dividing and growing and picking their nose and whatever else they do.

It seems like I’ve been waiting forever already and I’ve only known I was pregnant for a week. I took my first test last Friday evening, so not even quite a full week yet. I called around to some places around here and no one will give me a trans-vaginal ultrasound without a doctors referral. That makes no sense to me. I’m willing to pay for the whole thing. It’s my womb. It’s my vagina. Why can’t I pay someone to shove something up there and look aroundif I want to? I was trying to avoid calling my doctor because I really don’t want him to think I’m a nutjob who gets off on being melodramatic. I don’t want there to be anything wrong..I don’t think there is, I just kind of need to know.

I’m calling Dr. B on Monday and telling him that I’m not sleeping well and there’s no way I can wait until the 19th. And I’m really not sleeping well. It takes me forever to get wound down and then I’m up and down all night. Get up to pee, feel my boobs and then go back to bed. I don’t even have to pee that much, it’s just something to do when I wake up. If I wait until I’m seven weeks, I should for sure be able to see  a heartbeat by then, right?

Let’s see..what else can I talk about instead of working? Oh, symptoms. I have almost none.

-My boobs are fairly tender but no more than before my period.

-I get a little hint of nausea every now and then but I get that pretty frequently because of my gastric bypass anyway. I’m so used to being slight nauseous after I eat, I don’t know what’s new or what’s normal.

-I’m tired but I’m always tired.

And that’s it. So, although I KNOW that’s normal, too..it still worries me. And since I’ve never gotten very far with a growing embryo, I may never be the kind to get morning sickness, for all I know. My mom only had it with one of her pregnancies, so maybe I inherited her strong stomach. I almost never throw up normally, so maybe I’m just not the kind to do that. But I want it now. I want some reassurance that things are okay inside.

beta schmeta says my doctor

No beta for me. Damn sensible doctors, they really do piss me off. Dr. B said that he didn’t want to do a beta because the blighted ovum that I had last time wouldn’t have been something that a hcg draw could have detected. Apparently they rise and double appropriately most of the time. It’s a shame I like him so much or I’d be angry. He’s the best doctor that I’ve ever had. At one pap-smear, while elbow deep in my lady business, he kept talking and talking blahblahniceweatherblahblah and I finally said, “Dr. B..no offense. But I’d rather just stare at the ceiling and pretend I’m at the dentist’s office.” He laughed and asked for the name of my dentist because if he was that thorough during a cleaning, I must have the cleanest teeth in town. You’ve got to love a man who looks at vaginas all day and still has a sense of humor.

 So…I have no news. Sorry for the big ass letdown. Ultrasound set in five weeks (June 19th), 9:00 am. Thank you all so much for your kind words and well wishes. I definitely appreciate having people to wait with me.

He said it was a good sign that I tested positive so early. And then he said that he’d already done the full work-up on me in February, so there was no need for me to be wearing the fashionable paper gown with the tiny plastic belt.

I rather wish he’d mentioned that to the nurse first, as having a conversation with Dr. B while wearing charming blue tissue paper is not on my list of Favorite Things To Do On A Tuesday Afternoon.

Now, if you’ll excuse me..I’m going to go blankly stare at the TV for five weeks.

huh?

This could be nothing. It could be a chemical, could be the universe just completely fucking with me. I will be peeing on everything for the next few days. Maybe I’ve been doing it all wrong. Maybe not having sex is what will get me pregnant.

 Seriously, I didn’t even really mean to take this test. I had to go wal-mart last night for groceries. And I conveniently had to go down this aisle for lotion. Which I just now realized that I completely forgot about. I picked these up on a whim. Other than a sore chest and the barest hint of blechiness, I’ve had no symptoms. I was planning on going out on a drinking binge last night and I just thought, “Why not?” I kept thinking about how mad I would be if I did somehow end up pregnant and I had this night of drinking and then something went wrong. Not that I even know if this is anything. Like I said, it could be chemical. It could be anything. But for right now, all I know is that it’s something. I don’t know what my game plan is yet. I’m calling my doctor asap this week and seeing if I can get in a beta or two. I have to know something. Anything. I need to know if things aren’t doubling. I just need to know. Edited: I forgot to mention: The bottom test is from Friday afternoon, about 6:30. Top is from Saturday morning.

Edited Again:I’m obsessing. And I said I wouldn’t think about this at all today. Haha! You called it, Vanessa. Anyway, here’s another picture. I finally figured out how to shut off the bright flash, so hopefully this is a better shot. And I completely forgot that I had taken a pregnancy test before my last beta and it was negative..so this doesn’t seem to be some residual from that pregnancy. Arrrgghh. I’m so antsy, I don’t know what to do with myself.

a glutton for punishment?

She’s exactly one day ahead of where I should have been.

Why do I torture myself?

I check her blog daily. And yet I’ve never commented. I can’t make myself do it. I look at her ultrasound pictures. I see that black and white image on the page and I see that it looks like an actual real, live baby now. It’s so hard to read about the things she’s going through. But it’s like I have to do it. I don’t have a choice. My fingers type in the website that I know by heart. I yearn for a new post and yet I cringe every-time I see some new milestone that she’s passed. It’s like she’s me, only living in an alternate universe. One where things are working out and everything hasn’t gone all pear-shaped.

I know her baby isn’t mine. But once a day, I can look at her blog and pretend for just one tiny second. Every-time I look, I think “This is the last time I do this, I swear.” But everyday, I’m right back.

Does that make me sick and twisted? Sad and pathetic? Or just in major denial? This is something that I can’t discuss with Arnie, this inability to let go of what is not going to be. He just wouldn’t understand. He wouldn’t like to see me in pain, especially since it’s basically something that I am doing to myself. Self-inflicted cuts and bruises to my heart. Will I ever be able to stop? Will it stop when she has the baby? Or when I manage to get pregnant again?

I doubt he wants them back, really

I’m feeling much better today. My weird headache finally went away sometime this morning. All is well in the noggin, I think.

So, we had sex last night. So maybe we have a chance this month after all? All Arnie’s sperm have to do is fertilize an egg now. Oh, and travel through space and time. No biggie, right?

My own little Hiro sperm.

Well, not mine but you know what I mean. Actually, they’re now in my womb, so if possession is 9/10ths of the law then I guess they are mine. Cool, I have sperm.

I’m trying real hard to not be depressed today. I just found out that my cousin is pregnant. She’s only 21, maybe 22. She’s been trying since she got married, a year and a half. I’m very happy for her but bitter all the same. Her husband isn’t very cute so I’m hoping for an ugly (but healthy!) baby for her. I really do think an ugly baby will make me feel better.

I know I’m going to hell. I’m already packed.

I heart Heart

This month is apparently going to be a complete wash. Arnie is sick, throwing up and woozy and doesn’t look like he’s going to be feeling too much better in the next day or so, during ovulation time. Is it wrong to joke about hitting the bars and looking for someone that has similar coloring to my husband? “I said please, please understand! I’m in looooove with another man. And what he couldn’t give…wooooaahh…was the one little thing that you caaaa-aaaaaaa-aaaan!” I haven’t heard that song in ages.

I’m surprisingly okay. It’s so soon after the miscarriage, even though the doctor said it was fine to try after one cycle. It just kills me that I won’t even have that tiny, minuscule glimmer of hope in two weeks. The good news is, I won’t be feeling myself up to check for boob soreness for the next fourteen days. My co-workers will be happy with that.

Good news on the vacation front. I talked to my husband last night and we’re going to try to go to Florida with the rest of my family this month. I’ll be almost out of vacation hours but since I’m very unlikely to get pregnant anytime soon, I’m sure to have plenty of time to accrue more. This means no princess hat pictures, lol..but it does mean that I get to bury my toes in the sand for the first time in almost two years. I can’t wait to take Arnie there and show him the things I love. I can’t wait to make him spend an entire week with my family.

He’s going to want to claw his own eyeballs out.